Today

Just  like  an  addict  the  parent  and  other loved  ones  of  an  addict  can only live  in today. I  know that  is  true  for  all  people  but  definitly  those  of  an  addict .  As the  parent  if you  look  back  to the  yesterday  you  will beat yourself  up  with  so many  things  and  if  you  look  to  tomorrow  you will  holds  the  regrets of  yesterday  in  your  mind be/c of  what  could of  been  and  did not  happen. I  have  learned  many  things  from  being   a parent  of  an  addict .  I have  learned  its  ok  to  be angry  and  to hate the  drug  addict  and  all the  things that  happened  through their  addiction. I have  learned  that  people  are  going  to  judge the  situation  of  addiction no matter what  choice  you  as  a  parent  does  to help or  not  help  the  drug  addict  child . I have  learned  most of  all one  can  not  undo  regret .

Today  is the  day  we  must  focus  on most of  all  because  today  is  the  only  day  they  i  can take min  by  min  second by  second  and  try not  to  live  from  yesterday and  make  promises  for  tomorrow  I may not  be able  to  fufill  because  today  did not  go  as  planned.  I am  continual  holding  my  breath waiting  to breathe  but that  is  just for  today  may  tomorrow  I  will exhale  completly

Why

Why  is  my  child  a  drug  addict, why  do they  not  care  what they  are  doing  to themselves,to me, their  siblings, those that  love  them  boyfriend  girlfriend ect. WHY WHY WHY  its  a  question that  vibrates  through  your mind  and  out  your mouth  like  a  spoil  child  throwing  a  tempertantrum. It  is  a  question that  can  never be  answered b/c there is not  a justifable answer  that  will  make  it  ok  for the  things  the  drug  addiction  made  you  do  and  there  really is no  answer  to  why  one  begins to  use  . There  are a lot  of  excuses  and  blame  but no  answers .

Why is the  addiction  so much more to  you  than  your mom  why did  you  let it  destroy  you answer meeee!!  I  have  said  those  words  throughout my  sons  addiction to him  to the  wall  and  to the  few  who knew the  situation but there  was  no  answer  which makes  it  so much  harder to  dwell  on the  question.

I know the  answer  a little  better now  that he  is  in  recovery and  has  almost  2 years  of being  clean but the  answers   still  don’t  stop the  pain the  question  caused. I  have  always  said  if you  don’t  want  the  answer  don’t  ask the  question  but  this is  one  of many  questions  that  haunt me. Even  with  him  being  in recovery 2 years  I  still  have  the  question why  because   recovery is  only  a  daily  stepping stone  there is  still  so many  days  tat  are  rough and  bad  and  you  still think  some of things  that  you  did  when they  used . Watching  a recovering  addict  struggle and  overcome obstacles  I  still have  the  question WHY WHY WHY did this  happen and  my  only  answer is  one  night  while  out  with  his  friends he  chose  to use  a  moments  decision that  changed  his  and  everyone in his  life forever . WHY  WHY WHY

Just another day

When one has a person addicted to drugs in there life everyday is just another day that one has to deal with the addict and all the daily issues that come with having an addict in your life. See families and loved ones are very cautious about having people over or celebrating special days or events because they never know how the addicts day will be or how they will act. My experience was my son would be at his worse during special occasions  which made for even more hurt feelings,tears and dread. I got to a point were I would rather sleep through a holiday or event than deal with the nightmare that would occur.

Even when the person with the drug addiction isn’t there they still dominant the day because your thoughts are wondering what they are doing ,who are they with and why can’t they just be normal . Everyday is the same day when there is an addict in your life with the exception some are far worse than others because the drug  addict steals all the limelight from others and makes everything and everyday about them The sad thing though is they don’t realize it and they do realize it but just don’t realize the memories f nightmares they are making.  The life of a drug addict is the same thing everyday just another day because addiction doesn’t allow for special things because that would take away from the addiction and until the addiction ends it is a continual circle that occurs

Senseless loss

There is  so much  loss in the  life  of  a  drug  addict  and their  families and  I know  I have  referenced  to it many times in my  blog post  and  will  probably  continue  because  loss  is  the  one  of the  consistent  things that do occur in  the  world  of  drug  addiction but the out  of  all the  things  lost and  never  regained  the most  senseless and  tragic is  the  loss of  life  because  of  the  disease of  addiction.

No  parent  should  ever  have  to  bury  a  child  but   sometimes  it  is  unstoppable ,diseases  occur , car  accident  happens , even  horrifically  one  could be  murdered  or  commit suicide. All of  those  loses  are  heartbreaking  but  the  loss of  a  life  to  an  overdose is  so  senseless  and  so  preventable  on  so many levels , Addictions  kills  when one  chooses  not  to  stop  but  once  the  addiction  takes the  life  of the  addict  for them it  is  over  but  for their  loved  ones  their  mom and  dads  the  loss  is  forever   and  it  is  a  loss  that can  destroy  them  just  as  much  as the  drugs  destroyed the  addict and  it  is  SO SENSELESS  SO VERY  SENSELESS.

Every time  I hear  about  another  life taking  b/c  of  this  disease  it  breaks  my  heart  and  I  wonder  will my  son  decide  one  more time  will be ok. See   another  young  person in  our  community lost their life this  weekend to the battle  of  addiction  someone  my son knew  someone he  used and  hung  with  a  beautiful life  taken  way before they  had  a  chance  to live.  Words do not  help in this  situation no  matter how  comforting they  are  and  how  heartfelt  they mean  to be. I  wonder  what does  one  addict  truly  think  when  another  addict  dies  from  the  same thing they  do  no matter  how  in invinceable they  think  they  are  somewhere in the  back of their mind  their  invincibility must  waver  some.

 

 

Aftershock

The  after shock  of an  earthquake  can  be  almost  as  devesting  and  destructive  as  the  actual  earthquake itself  when  an  earthquake  occurs.  Just  as  the  aftermath  of  a person  drug  addiction  into  recovering  can  be  not  only  for the  addict but the  loved ones  as  well.  The  addict can  experience  a  different  range  of  things that  may  happen  to them they may go  through the  withdrawals , anger  toward oneself  as  well  as  those  around  them  and  for  awhile  an  emotional  roller  coaster  of  feelings  and  fears  as  does  the  loved  ones. The  addict  may  never  recover  and  bounce back  and  forth  between  short  periods of  not  using  but  eventually  always  returning  to  the  demon  they  are unable  to   give  up control  to .Then  the  ultimate  thing  the  addict may  do is  lose the battle completely  and  die. All  of these scenerios  have an  aftershock  for the friends  and  family  of the  addict  but  especially the parent  of an  addict.

My  son  used  for  about  4 strait  years  mainly  marijuanna  in the  beginning  but  the  last  year  of  his  addiction  he was  strung  out  on  some  very  hard  drugs , meth,coke ,pills, heroine you name  a  drug  and  he  would  try  it  . No  parent  ever thinks the  day  their  child is  put  in their arms  he  will  grow  up  to be  a drug  addict  actually the  worse  two lies a  parent  tells them self  is  my  child  would  never  use  drugs  and  I  would  know  if they  were using . I  told my  self  those  lies  so  many  times  b/c  I  didn’t  want  to  face  what  was  in  front of me  a  19 year  old  drug  addict  I was  afraid  to be  alone  with  or  to  leave  in my  house  by himself .  I  thought  it  couldn’t get  any  worse  but I  was  wrong very  wrong  he  overdosed and  than  the  aftershock  of the nightmare began .

He  was  placed in  psych  unit  b/c he  saw  dead  people  ,he  heard  voices  that told  him  to kill and harm his  family  he  had  no idea   who he was  where  he  was  or  who  I  was  his  body  survived  the  overdose  for the  most  part  but  his  mind  was  lost in  darkness  after  shock  was  a  point  8 on the  rictor scale  at this  point. Everyone  told me  at least he was  a live no  he wasn’t  alive  yes  he  had  a  heart beat  yes  he  walked ,and  ate but  other  than  that my  son was gone he  was  as  dead  as  if  the  overdose had  took his life  BUT  I  could not bury him I  had  to  grieve  a  living  person  which  is  a  nightmare  within itself more aftershock . No one  understood  but  as  with  every night  comes  daylight  and  with  every earthquake  and  aftershock  comes  regrowth  and  new  development.  The  son  I  watched  grow  from  a little boy into a  man  with  addiction is  dead  forever  and  I miss  him  sometimes  very much b/c  my new  son  is  different  person in lot  ways  not  all  good but  not  all  bad he  just  different he  in not  my —- . The  aftershock is  still there almost  two  years later  we  rebuild  a little  each  day  sometimes  we have  to  bulldoze  and  start  from  scratch  but we recover

 

 

What If

What  if  two very  little  words  with  so much meaning and  impact.  What  if  he  never had  become a  drug  addict  what  would  his  life be  like  now  instead of the  way it is.  What if  he  used  and  it  scared him  so he never  used  again or  hung  out  with people  that did  would he be  an  advocate  against  drug  use  would  he  have  disconnected  from those  people  and  found  real  friends  to  enjoy his  teen age years  with instead of  not  really  having  any friends  at  all. What  if  I  as  the  parent  had  seen the  signs  sooner  would I have  chosen  a  different  way  of  doing things  than the  way I  did.  What  if  I  had used tough love  that  I  was  told  needed  to be  done  would  my  nightmare  have  ended  sooner .

Those  two  little  words  are  very  haunting  they  scream  at you in the  middle  of  the  night  when you  can’t  sleep .When  your  having  a  bad  day  because  the  child  you love  is  struggling  in  recovery  with their  addiction  the  WHAT  IF  is  there  always  starring  at  you . The  what  ifs  paint  a  very  pretty picture  of the  way  things  could  of  been  that  it make  you  hate  your  situation  even more  so than  you  already  do . Sometimes there  is  no  escape  from  your  own thoughts  because  your  what  if  places  blame  not on the  drug addict  or the  dealers  but on  you the  loved  one  the parent

What  do  you  do  when the  what  ifs  haunt  you?  Somedays  I  give  in and  imagine  the  coulda  woulda shoulda  if  I  had  done  them and  what may have  been  a  totally  different  life for  all  of my  family  but  ecspecially  for me  and  my  oldest  son.Then on other  days  I  think  of the  journey  and  possiblities  that  are going  to take  place and that  are  happening. Through  this nightmare  lives  can  be  touched and  changed  through  our  story  of  tragedy and  destruction  of  a  new  creation and  unconditional  love being  nutured  and  cared  for . The  what if for  now  is a story  of  what  could of been  because  of the  drug addiction  BUT  one  day  the  what  if  will become a because  of  and  the  story  will be  phenominal

Taking

Drug  addiction  takes  so much & so many  different  things not  only  from  the  addict  but  from the  loved  ones of  addicts as  well. Material  things  are  taken  by  the  addict  from loved  ones to pay  for their  addiction and  at  times  addicts will  steal  from  others  as  well  causing  more things to be  taken. Time  is  a  huge  thing  taken  b/c  days,weeks,months  and  years  are stolen  from  all those  affected  by  the  drug  addiction  the  addicted  is  consumed with.

During the  time  that  things are  being  taking  those  affected  by  it  really  don’t always  notice their  losses how can they  when they are slowly being  taken  from them  sometimes  daily  and  sometimes momentarily  but  always being  taken.  The  major  things  taken that  can never be  replaced  are  memories and moments of  memories. I  had the memories  of  my  son  going  to  social, prom and  graduating  high  school , having  a  girlfriend  or  just  hanging  out  with his  friends  doing normal  things those  things  were  replaced  with  getting  in trouble  going  to jail,  quitting  school  and  just  not  caring  what  his  actions  took  from  others.

One  thing  that  is never  taken  when  dealing with  someone  who you love is  a  drug addict is  tears  there is  always  an abundance of  tears  and  heart  ache . Those  will never  be  taken  during  the  addiction  b/c  that  is  all the  drug  addict  has  to  give during  that  time  of  their  life.

There  is  some  hope  especially  when  the  person begins  and  stays in  recovery  the drug  addiction is  taken  and  the  drug  addict  no longer exist  as  long  as they  stay  on the  road  to  recovery. My  son is  21 months  clean  but  the  child  I  gave  birth  to  was taken  with the  drug  addiction  and  aftermath  that  comes with  addiction  I  now have  a new  person  who is my  son  who  I  am  coming  to know  b/c  love  and  trust  are  also taken  during  the  period of  time  when  all the  addict  has  to  give  is  to  take  everything  from  everyone  else.

How many  loved  ones of  addicts  had  things  that  were never  taken  from them  and  how  do  you  try  to  to move on and  forward  so that you  can  receive  from the  one  who  hurt  you so  much ?

 

Lies & the Acceptance of Lies

The  one thing  that  is  almost  a  fact  when  it  comes  to  living  with  a  drug addict  is  being  told lies .See  drug  addicts  have  to  cover up  the  truth  so  much they  no longer  know what is a  lie and  what  is  reality  because they  come  to  gradually  believe  everything they  say is  the  truth  when  truly  there  is no truth left in them  at  all.

The  saddest  part  though is  those  around  the  addict  are  drawn  into  the  lies  in  start  to lie  to others  around  them  as  well.  Those  lies  are  different  but  still lies  all the  same .They  lie  to themselves  that  this  time  their  child  really is  clean , no  they  miscounted  the money in their  wallet they  really  aren’t  missing  anything  and yes they  forgot  they  gave away  or  sold  such  and  such  it  wasn’t  stolen  from the  house .They lie to  others  and say  everything  is  well and  things  are  so much  better this  time  because  they  do  not  want  to  face once  again their  child  has  begun  to  use  again  or  never  stopped using  just  pulled  the  wool  over  your  eyes once  more.

Each lie  you are  told  and  believe is  an  invisible  brick  built  that is  destroying the  trust  that  slowly  disappeared  weeks ,months  and  maybe  even  years  ago.  The  trust  is  the  hardest  thing  to gain  back once  recovery  begins  because  by than  a  fortress has  been  built and  the  energy  to  truly believe  the  addict  is  telling the  truth is  in  recovery  itself. Do  you  ever  look  at  your  addict  whether  still  in  addiction  or in  recovery and  just  wonder  do they  understand  the  lies  they  believe  are  truth  are  actually  lies ?

 

Hate : holding your breath waiting to breathe

Hate is a word that is used so commonly in everyday sentences in every day conversation it is a word used very loosely but has a very strong meaning.The definition of hate is to have an intense  or passionate dislike for something or someone.I am going to be perfectly honestly  there was a period of time I truly truly hated my son during his drug addiction. I have been told I didn’t hate him I hated the things he did yes that was partially true I did hate the things he did but I hated him and everything about him and the person he became.. 

See my child was no longer there he was taken by the addiction and the person who had invaded his body was evil self absorbed cared about no one or anything but themselves and I hated him with same amount of intensity that I once loved him with. You may say or ask Oh my God how can you hate your own child honestly it became quite easy because you see my son was dead  and all was left was someone who resembled the child I once had in looks. The saddest thing about my hate was it tore me up inside because I was not suppose to feel that way I was his mom I gave him life  but addiction stole so much and took away so many things from him and my family and it didn’t bother him because the addiction and the addict doesn’t care about lost dreams or ruined holidays or gatherings.

I began to realize especially when things went from bad to worse hate is just like addiction it consumes you and takes over to were it controls you. See I as most family members need recovery as much as the addict and sometimes more because they suffer from the actions and reactions of the addiction and not only have to rebuild their lives that were ultimately almost destoyed as much as the addicts themselves but they need to be a support system as well while the addict recovers and becomes a new them. I wish I can say I woke up one day and all my hate was gone but it wasn’t it has taken almost two years of recovery for him and rebuilding of love and forgiveness to say I have slowly began to love the person he has become to be.

May I ask honest question for those who have a n addict in their life have you ever felt like I did and hate them or am I alone in the way I felt ..