Hate : holding your breath waiting to breathe

Hate is a word that is used so commonly in everyday sentences in every day conversation it is a word used very loosely but has a very strong meaning.The definition of hate is to have an intense  or passionate dislike for something or someone.I am going to be perfectly honestly  there was a period of time I truly truly hated my son during his drug addiction. I have been told I didn’t hate him I hated the things he did yes that was partially true I did hate the things he did but I hated him and everything about him and the person he became.. 

See my child was no longer there he was taken by the addiction and the person who had invaded his body was evil self absorbed cared about no one or anything but themselves and I hated him with same amount of intensity that I once loved him with. You may say or ask Oh my God how can you hate your own child honestly it became quite easy because you see my son was dead  and all was left was someone who resembled the child I once had in looks. The saddest thing about my hate was it tore me up inside because I was not suppose to feel that way I was his mom I gave him life  but addiction stole so much and took away so many things from him and my family and it didn’t bother him because the addiction and the addict doesn’t care about lost dreams or ruined holidays or gatherings.

I began to realize especially when things went from bad to worse hate is just like addiction it consumes you and takes over to were it controls you. See I as most family members need recovery as much as the addict and sometimes more because they suffer from the actions and reactions of the addiction and not only have to rebuild their lives that were ultimately almost destoyed as much as the addicts themselves but they need to be a support system as well while the addict recovers and becomes a new them. I wish I can say I woke up one day and all my hate was gone but it wasn’t it has taken almost two years of recovery for him and rebuilding of love and forgiveness to say I have slowly began to love the person he has become to be.

May I ask honest question for those who have a n addict in their life have you ever felt like I did and hate them or am I alone in the way I felt ..

 

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2 thoughts on “Hate : holding your breath waiting to breathe

  1. Yes I know what you are talking about but I think I have more anger and shame. Anger that they got themselves into this horrible state and shame and yes resentment to those friends who have “normal” kids doing normal things: going to college, looking for jobs, in relationships. My son’s relationship is with heroin. I find myself wanting to avoid social settings with friends because I don’t want to listen to their tales of happiness. While I want to enjoy their happiness, my own sadness and resentment makes it difficult. I don’t hate my son, worse, I am numb to him. I have a drug addict brother who also has mental issues so drug abuses’ scars from him are being overlaid with my sons’ addiction. There is a old Irish saying “sorrow makes a stone of the heart.” I wish you hope for your future and your sons.

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  2. I can relate to how you feel completely the anger was and still is the hardest part for me .I would cringe inside everytime I heard my friends talk about their child doing this and this or that and my son was doing nothing but killing himself and everyone around him. I wish it got easier but I don’t think it ever really does it just a process of time that changes the situation to bad,worse improved or the ultimate sacrifice the over dose that takes the life of the addict . I will be praying for you and your son . Anytime you need to talk I am here

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