Introduction to Holding My Breath

holdingyourbreathwaitingtobreathe

My  name  is  Sue  and  this  blog  is for  anyone who  has  ever had  a loved one  or even  a  friend  who has  a  drug  addiction or  is  in  recovery  for  any  amount  of time. Drug  addiction  is  one  of  the  largest  cause  of  death in the  United  States it is  not  racist and  does  not  discriminate  in  any way  shape  or  form .  I  have  a 21 year  old  son who  is  18 months  in  recovery  but prior  to that  happening  I  lived in  a  continual  nightmare  that  I  thought  I  would never  wake  up  from.  I  constantly  felt  like  I  was  holding  my  breath and waiting  to to be able  to breathe again.  I  felt  all  alone  with no  one  to  talk  to about the problem because  how  can  you  tell people  your  child is  a drug  addict  and  all the  horrible things  he  does  due  to  it  without  them looking  at  you like  you  have  grown  another  head  in front  of them or  they have  such  an expression  sympathy for  you  you  want  to  crawl  in  a whole because  you  are  so ashamed . I  never  wanted  anyone  to feel the  way  I  did  that is  why  I have started this  blog.

This  is  blog is to  encourage people  and  let people  express  how they  feel.  Please  no negative  responses  toward  others . The drug  addict  is  not the only one  affected by the  drug addiction  everyone they  come  into  contact  with  at  any point  during there  addiction is  affected in one  way  or  another .  The  one  thing  I needed to learn  was  to  seperate myself  and  it  was  not  something  I truly  was  ever  able  to  do  during the  whole  time  it took  place.  I  had to  learn to  forgive myself as  well  as  him  for  all the  things that  ocurred  during that  time  period. As  with the  addict  it is  a day by  day recovery one  were  you  feel like  you are holding your breath

8 thoughts on “Introduction to Holding My Breath”

  1. I am sure your blog will be an encouragement and hopefully a guiding light for many people experiencing dark times in their life. For parents experiencing trials with their adolescent and adult children, those times can often be lonely and frustrating. During these trials, everyone has an opinion of how you should handle the situation – but only the parent and/or parents will endure the outcome of the choices made. Some people are well intentioned with their advice or critiques, however many people just have a need to know and pass the information on. Thank you Sue for sharing your experience and I know your heart will enable you to help many people in the future with hope, encouragement and sharing the promises of Christ.

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  2. Thank you for capturing the exact way i feel… I often listen to my friends complain about their teens only to secretly think ” what i would give to be worried about ONLY that”
    Instead im crying to and from work, trying to hold it together while I care for patients only to cry all the way home again, put on a front for my husband an daughter all the while dying slowly inside not even knowing where my 17yr old is at the moment because we had to kick him out for his drug use.
    This is such a lonley place to be for a mom!!!! If only i had the perfect son my friends all have…my prayers to you that your son keeps doing well… I know the devastation when they dont….

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  4. Robin, I completely understand where you are coming from. There was a time when I had to cut both of my children out of my life because of their drug abuse. I didn’t know where they were or even if they were alive. I work at a college and I would see students that were the same age as my children working to achieve a better life. Not to mention having to listen to co-workers complain because there kids wouldn’t clean their room or praising them because they did something fantasitc during their football game. All the while I am dying inside because I was constantly being attacked by visions or dreams of my children laying dead somewhere. I was overwhelmed to say the least. But I had to continue to put on a good face. Looking back I can see how powerless I truly was.

    At the time I didn’t really have a relationship with God, I mean I prayed on occasion, but all the while I still felt like there had to be something more I could do. Then one day when I was in the eye of the storm, I cried out to God with all of my heart, and I just said I can’t do this anymore! At that moment, I heard the voice of God say to me, “they were mine before they were yours, give them back to me and trust me!” Robin, I just knew in my heart that is what I had to do! I immediately just started pleading the blood of Jesus over my children. I began to pray that God’s will would be done in their lives. Well, things began to happen, my son got arrested and spent four months in jail because his public defender died and he had to wait until the already overwhelmed court system could appoint him another one. During that time he not only got clean, but God began dealing with him and he had no where to run. He changed his life. He is now a father and a husband and has been living as a fully functioning adult in society for nearly two and a half years! Glory to God!

    My daughter had a bit of a longer road, she committed five felonies and was facing fifty years in prison for crimes she had committed against my parents (her grandparents). She went to jail and was like a caged animal. She went to the hole almost every week or so. The last time she went into the hole was for twenty-one days. But the night she got out, she called me and the very first thing she said to me was, “mom, I can’t do this without God!” she then cried out to God and gave her life to Him. Within a week of her doing that, doors just began to open. The DA called her grandparents and asked them what they would like to see happen to their granddaughter. I was in shock! I just could not believe that this was all happening. My parents told the DA that they wanted her to get well. He then called me and asked if I could find a residential treatment center for her in my area and within twenty-four hours I had found one. The DA released her to me within a week of that time and her agreement with the DA was, that she complete a residential drug rehab for at least 6 months and continue with out patient treatment for at least another six months. If she completed her treatment then all of her charges would be dropped and she would have no felony record. Praise God! Not only has she turned her life around, she is ministering to others in her group and will soon be going into jails to minister. She is running after God harder than she ever did for drugs!

    Robin, I have more peace than you could possibly imagine and the reason is because I allowed God to work in “my” heart. I trusted him to do what he said he would. I spent this past Thanksgiving with both of my children and their children for the first time in six years! My God is enough!

    I have been doing some research on blogs and I happened to come across this blog and saw your post and immediately felt the need to share my testimony with you. Please know that God is not a respecter of person. What he did in my family he can do for anyone. I believe with all of my heart that God wants you and me and everyone of his children to have vicotry over the demons in our lives. It is not his will for anyone to have stress and strife but for us to have peace and joy. There is no special way that is required to cry out to God, but from my experience, I believe trusting him is key. This may seem hard to you, however, if you look at it like this, then as any mother would do anything for their children and if you are like me and tried everything else, then what do you have to loose?

    One last thing I want to share with you is this scripture that helped me to learn how to trust God. My ah ha moment came when I read this very simple verse Psalms 24:1 “The earth belongs to the Lord and everything in it, the world and all who live in it (NIV). At that moment, I truly realized that all the stuff I have and everything that I was worrying about, even my children belong to God. How could I not trust him.

    It is my prayer that your son will be covered by God’s protecting love and that God will put him in a place that he can just be still and know that God is the only hope for his life. I pray too for every mother and father battling the spiritual demons that is trying to take our children. I would also like to end with Ephesians 6:1-19

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  8. Wow! All I can is Wow! Thsnk you ladies for your stories. My addict is my 18 year old son. Like Sue’s son my son vegan with Marijuana then drugs and alcohol. It feels good to know that Im not alone in the moms of addicts dept. I cry every day and isolate myself quite often.

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