Hate is a word that is used so commonly in everyday sentences in every day conversation it is a word used very loosely but has a very strong meaning.The definition of hate is to have an intense or passionate dislike for something or someone.I am going to be perfectly honestly there was a period of time I truly truly hated my son during his drug addiction. I have been told I didn’t hate him I hated the things he did yes that was partially true I did hate the things he did but I hated him and everything about him and the person he became..
See my child was no longer there he was taken by the addiction and the person who had invaded his body was evil self absorbed cared about no one or anything but themselves and I hated him with same amount of intensity that I once loved him with. You may say or ask Oh my God how can you hate your own child honestly it became quite easy because you see my son was dead and all was left was someone who resembled the child I once had in looks. The saddest thing about my hate was it tore me up inside because I was not suppose to feel that way I was his mom I gave him life but addiction stole so much and took away so many things from him and my family and it didn’t bother him because the addiction and the addict doesn’t care about lost dreams or ruined holidays or gatherings.
I began to realize especially when things went from bad to worse hate is just like addiction it consumes you and takes over to were it controls you. See I as most family members need recovery as much as the addict and sometimes more because they suffer from the actions and reactions of the addiction and not only have to rebuild their lives that were ultimately almost destoyed as much as the addicts themselves but they need to be a support system as well while the addict recovers and becomes a new them. I wish I can say I woke up one day and all my hate was gone but it wasn’t it has taken almost two years of recovery for him and rebuilding of love and forgiveness to say I have slowly began to love the person he has become to be.
May I ask honest question for those who have a n addict in their life have you ever felt like I did and hate them or am I alone in the way I felt ..
When a person in your life has a drug addiction not only does it affect every area of their life it affects every area of their loved ones lives as well. Loving a drug addict and dealing with their issues and them in general is not a part time thing or a sometime thing it consumes every moment of you . Every second your wondering where they are, who are they with, and what are they doing all these things are running through your mind like an olympic athlete continually keeping you exhausted and unable to breathe life into your own body. The constant dealings of having a drug addict in your life over laps into every other area of your life as well. Work, school ,relationship with friends, your other children and most of all your significant other. Unfortunately all the stress and anguish becomes anger and bottled up frustration and confusion that is not taken out on the person it should be The Addict no its in all the the areas and people in our lives that it overlaps into that we vent out at. The addict doesn’t see the destruction of the lives he/she are destroying outside themselves they are like a skipping child with no cares at all living in their own little world feeding their downward spiral. However when their addiction is not being fed it is all your fault and you are the one being attack from them causing even more issues in all overlapping areas of your life.
While the world was falling apart for me as I watched my son become engulfed within his addiction . I often did nothing but die a little each day myself his addiction was killing me just as slowly as it was killing him but just in a different way . I turned inward pushing the overlapping areas of my life away not wanting to talk or be around others . However my overlapping areas wouldn’t let me do that even if it was a short text a message ,a message on my voicemail or persistant person refusing to be casted away everyday someone reached out not even knowing why I was so sad and the situation that was going on. My overlapping areas where my support and my only strength some days.
Whereas I was not grateful at that time I so am now looking back on it. If you are in a situation were you have a drug addict in your life especially if it your child allow the overlapping areas of your life be a support system to you .They don’t need to know the details of things taking place just let them be your strength when you can not be your own.
Have you ever wished you could erase all the bad memories that are accumulated with the pain that comes with drug addiction .I do ! I know the memory board on Facebook is meant to remind us of good times and to smilebut that is not always the case some days that pop up from 2 years ago bring me to time where the world was falling apart and nothing I did or how hard I prayed could stop it. Every moment it hurt to have a heartbeat. Has anyone else who has dealt with someone they loved who had drug addiction felt that way ?
The memories are easier now because my son is 18 months clean. Everyday somewhere in my mind I wonder though will he use again because I still relive those days in my mind to make sure old patterns are not slipping back into today’s excistance. You may ask don’t you trust him since its been over a year and going into 2 years and the answe for now is no wrong or right. It is more of being scared ro actually relax and take a breathe than it is of trusting its protective blanket for myself and away of him being accountable and stay on track.
My name is Sue and this blog is for anyone who has ever had a loved one or even a friend who has a drug addiction or is in recovery for any amount of time. Drug addiction is one of the largest cause of death in the United States it is not racist and does not discriminate in any way shape or form . I have a 21 year old son who is 18 months in recovery but prior to that happening I lived in a continual nightmare that I thought I would never wake up from. I constantly felt like I was holding my breath and waiting to to be able to breathe again. I felt all alone with no one to talk to about the problem because how can you tell people your child is a drug addict and all the horrible things he does due to it without them looking at you like you have grown another head in front of them or they have such an expression sympathy for you you want to crawl in a whole because you are so ashamed . I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did that is why I have started this blog.
This is blog is to encourage people and let people express how they feel. Please no negative responses toward others . The drug addict is not the only one affected by the drug addiction everyone they come into contact with at any point during there addiction is affected in one way or another . The one thing I needed to learn was to seperate myself and it was not something I truly was ever able to do during the whole time it took place. I had to learn to forgive myself as well as him for all the things that ocurred during that time period. As with the addict it is a day by day recovery one were you feel like you are holding your breath