Hate : holding your breath waiting to breathe

Hate is a word that is used so commonly in everyday sentences in every day conversation it is a word used very loosely but has a very strong meaning.The definition of hate is to have an intense  or passionate dislike for something or someone.I am going to be perfectly honestly  there was a period of time I truly truly hated my son during his drug addiction. I have been told I didn’t hate him I hated the things he did yes that was partially true I did hate the things he did but I hated him and everything about him and the person he became.. 

See my child was no longer there he was taken by the addiction and the person who had invaded his body was evil self absorbed cared about no one or anything but themselves and I hated him with same amount of intensity that I once loved him with. You may say or ask Oh my God how can you hate your own child honestly it became quite easy because you see my son was dead  and all was left was someone who resembled the child I once had in looks. The saddest thing about my hate was it tore me up inside because I was not suppose to feel that way I was his mom I gave him life  but addiction stole so much and took away so many things from him and my family and it didn’t bother him because the addiction and the addict doesn’t care about lost dreams or ruined holidays or gatherings.

I began to realize especially when things went from bad to worse hate is just like addiction it consumes you and takes over to were it controls you. See I as most family members need recovery as much as the addict and sometimes more because they suffer from the actions and reactions of the addiction and not only have to rebuild their lives that were ultimately almost destoyed as much as the addicts themselves but they need to be a support system as well while the addict recovers and becomes a new them. I wish I can say I woke up one day and all my hate was gone but it wasn’t it has taken almost two years of recovery for him and rebuilding of love and forgiveness to say I have slowly began to love the person he has become to be.

May I ask honest question for those who have a n addict in their life have you ever felt like I did and hate them or am I alone in the way I felt ..

 

Overlapping while holding your breath waiting to breathe

When  a  person in  your  life has  a  drug  addiction not  only does  it  affect  every area of their  life it  affects  every area  of their  loved ones  lives  as well. Loving  a  drug  addict  and  dealing with  their  issues and  them  in  general  is not  a part time  thing or  a sometime  thing  it consumes every moment  of  you . Every  second  your  wondering  where they  are,  who  are they  with, and   what  are they doing all  these  things  are  running  through  your mind  like  an  olympic athlete continually  keeping  you  exhausted  and  unable  to breathe life into  your  own  body.   The  constant  dealings  of  having  a  drug  addict in your  life  over  laps  into  every other  area  of  your  life  as  well.  Work, school ,relationship with  friends,  your  other  children and  most  of  all  your significant  other. Unfortunately  all the  stress  and  anguish  becomes  anger  and  bottled up  frustration  and  confusion  that  is not  taken out  on the person it  should be  The  Addict no  its  in  all the  the  areas  and  people  in  our lives  that  it  overlaps  into  that  we  vent out  at. The  addict  doesn’t  see  the  destruction  of  the  lives  he/she  are  destroying  outside  themselves  they  are  like  a skipping  child with no  cares  at  all  living  in their  own  little  world  feeding  their  downward  spiral. However when  their  addiction is not being  fed  it is  all  your fault  and  you  are the  one being  attack   from them  causing  even more  issues  in  all  overlapping  areas  of  your  life.

While  the  world was  falling  apart  for me as  I  watched  my  son become  engulfed  within  his  addiction . I  often  did  nothing  but  die  a  little  each  day myself  his  addiction  was  killing me just  as  slowly  as it  was  killing  him  but  just in  a  different  way .  I turned  inward  pushing  the  overlapping  areas  of  my  life  away  not  wanting  to  talk  or be  around  others . However  my  overlapping  areas  wouldn’t  let me  do that  even  if  it  was  a short  text  a message ,a message  on my  voicemail  or  persistant person refusing  to  be  casted  away  everyday  someone reached  out not  even knowing  why I was so sad and  the  situation  that was  going  on. My overlapping  areas where  my  support  and  my only  strength  some  days.

Whereas  I  was not  grateful   at that  time  I  so  am  now  looking  back  on it. If  you  are  in  a  situation  were  you   have  a  drug  addict  in  your  life  especially  if  it your  child  allow  the  overlapping  areas of your life  be  a  support system to  you .They  don’t  need  to  know the  details  of  things taking place just  let  them  be your  strength  when  you  can not be  your  own.

 

 

Memories to holding your breathe

Have you ever wished you could erase all the bad memories that are accumulated with the pain that comes with drug addiction .I do ! I know the memory board on Facebook is meant to remind us of good times and to smilebut that is not always the case some days that pop up from 2 years ago bring me to time where the world was falling apart and nothing I did or how hard I prayed could stop it. Every moment it hurt to have a heartbeat. Has anyone else who has dealt with  someone they loved who had drug addiction felt that way ?       

The memories are easier now because my son is 18 months clean. Everyday  somewhere in  my mind I wonder though will he use again because I still relive those days in my mind to make sure old patterns are not slipping back into today’s excistance. You may ask don’t you trust him since its been over a year and going into 2 years and the answe for now is no wrong or right. It is more of being scared ro actually relax and take a breathe than it is of trusting its protective blanket for myself and away of him being accountable and stay on track.

Introduction to Holding My Breath

My  name  is  Sue  and  this  blog  is for  anyone who  has  ever had  a loved one  or even  a  friend  who has  a  drug  addiction or  is  in  recovery  for  any  amount  of time. Drug  addiction  is  one  of  the  largest  cause  of  death in the  United  States it is  not  racist and  does  not  discriminate  in  any way  shape  or  form .  I  have  a 21 year  old  son who  is  18 months  in  recovery  but prior  to that  happening  I  lived in  a  continual  nightmare  that  I  thought  I  would never  wake  up  from.  I  constantly  felt  like  I  was  holding  my  breath and waiting  to to be able  to breathe again.  I  felt  all  alone  with no  one  to  talk  to about the problem because  how  can  you  tell people  your  child is  a drug  addict  and  all the  horrible things  he  does  due  to  it  without  them looking  at  you like  you  have  grown  another  head  in front  of them or  they have  such  an expression  sympathy for  you  you  want  to  crawl  in  a whole because  you  are  so ashamed . I  never  wanted  anyone  to feel the  way  I  did  that is  why  I have started this  blog.

This  is  blog is to  encourage people  and  let people  express  how they  feel.  Please  no negative  responses  toward  others . The drug  addict  is  not the only one  affected by the  drug addiction  everyone they  come  into  contact  with  at  any point  during there  addiction is  affected in one  way  or  another .  The  one  thing  I needed to learn  was  to  seperate myself  and  it  was  not  something  I truly  was  ever  able  to  do  during the  whole  time  it took  place.  I  had to  learn to  forgive myself as  well  as  him  for  all the  things that  ocurred  during that  time  period. As  with the  addict  it is  a day by  day recovery one  were  you  feel like  you are holding your breath