Source: What If
What if two very little words with so much meaning and impact. What if he never had become a drug addict what would his life be like now instead of the way it is. What if he used and it scared him so he never used again or hung out with people that did would he be an advocate against drug use would he have disconnected from those people and found real friends to enjoy his teen age years with instead of not really having any friends at all. What if I as the parent had seen the signs sooner would I have chosen a different way of doing things than the way I did. What if I had used tough love that I was told needed to be done would my nightmare have ended sooner .
Those two little words are very haunting they scream at you in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep .When your having a bad day because the child you love is struggling in recovery with their addiction the WHAT IF is there always starring at you . The what ifs paint a very pretty picture of the way things could of been that it make you hate your situation even more so than you already do . Sometimes there is no escape from your own thoughts because your what if places blame not on the drug addict or the dealers but on you the loved one the parent
What do you do when the what ifs haunt you? Somedays I give in and imagine the coulda woulda shoulda if I had done them and what may have been a totally different life for all of my family but ecspecially for me and my oldest son.Then on other days I think of the journey and possiblities that are going to take place and that are happening. Through this nightmare lives can be touched and changed through our story of tragedy and destruction of a new creation and unconditional love being nutured and cared for . The what if for now is a story of what could of been because of the drug addiction BUT one day the what if will become a because of and the story will be phenominal
Drug addiction takes so much & so many different things not only from the addict but from the loved ones of addicts as well. Material things are taken by the addict from loved ones to pay for their addiction and at times addicts will steal from others as well causing more things to be taken. Time is a huge thing taken b/c days,weeks,months and years are stolen from all those affected by the drug addiction the addicted is consumed with.
During the time that things are being taking those affected by it really don’t always notice their losses how can they when they are slowly being taken from them sometimes daily and sometimes momentarily but always being taken. The major things taken that can never be replaced are memories and moments of memories. I had the memories of my son going to social, prom and graduating high school , having a girlfriend or just hanging out with his friends doing normal things those things were replaced with getting in trouble going to jail, quitting school and just not caring what his actions took from others.
One thing that is never taken when dealing with someone who you love is a drug addict is tears there is always an abundance of tears and heart ache . Those will never be taken during the addiction b/c that is all the drug addict has to give during that time of their life.
There is some hope especially when the person begins and stays in recovery the drug addiction is taken and the drug addict no longer exist as long as they stay on the road to recovery. My son is 21 months clean but the child I gave birth to was taken with the drug addiction and aftermath that comes with addiction I now have a new person who is my son who I am coming to know b/c love and trust are also taken during the period of time when all the addict has to give is to take everything from everyone else.
How many loved ones of addicts had things that were never taken from them and how do you try to to move on and forward so that you can receive from the one who hurt you so much ?
The one thing that is almost a fact when it comes to living with a drug addict is being told lies .See drug addicts have to cover up the truth so much they no longer know what is a lie and what is reality because they come to gradually believe everything they say is the truth when truly there is no truth left in them at all.
The saddest part though is those around the addict are drawn into the lies in start to lie to others around them as well. Those lies are different but still lies all the same .They lie to themselves that this time their child really is clean , no they miscounted the money in their wallet they really aren’t missing anything and yes they forgot they gave away or sold such and such it wasn’t stolen from the house .They lie to others and say everything is well and things are so much better this time because they do not want to face once again their child has begun to use again or never stopped using just pulled the wool over your eyes once more.
Each lie you are told and believe is an invisible brick built that is destroying the trust that slowly disappeared weeks ,months and maybe even years ago. The trust is the hardest thing to gain back once recovery begins because by than a fortress has been built and the energy to truly believe the addict is telling the truth is in recovery itself. Do you ever look at your addict whether still in addiction or in recovery and just wonder do they understand the lies they believe are truth are actually lies ?
Hate is a word that is used so commonly in everyday sentences in every day conversation it is a word used very loosely but has a very strong meaning.The definition of hate is to have an intense or passionate dislike for something or someone.I am going to be perfectly honestly there was a period of time I truly truly hated my son during his drug addiction. I have been told I didn’t hate him I hated the things he did yes that was partially true I did hate the things he did but I hated him and everything about him and the person he became..
See my child was no longer there he was taken by the addiction and the person who had invaded his body was evil self absorbed cared about no one or anything but themselves and I hated him with same amount of intensity that I once loved him with. You may say or ask Oh my God how can you hate your own child honestly it became quite easy because you see my son was dead and all was left was someone who resembled the child I once had in looks. The saddest thing about my hate was it tore me up inside because I was not suppose to feel that way I was his mom I gave him life but addiction stole so much and took away so many things from him and my family and it didn’t bother him because the addiction and the addict doesn’t care about lost dreams or ruined holidays or gatherings.
I began to realize especially when things went from bad to worse hate is just like addiction it consumes you and takes over to were it controls you. See I as most family members need recovery as much as the addict and sometimes more because they suffer from the actions and reactions of the addiction and not only have to rebuild their lives that were ultimately almost destoyed as much as the addicts themselves but they need to be a support system as well while the addict recovers and becomes a new them. I wish I can say I woke up one day and all my hate was gone but it wasn’t it has taken almost two years of recovery for him and rebuilding of love and forgiveness to say I have slowly began to love the person he has become to be.
May I ask honest question for those who have a n addict in their life have you ever felt like I did and hate them or am I alone in the way I felt ..
When a person in your life has a drug addiction not only does it affect every area of their life it affects every area of their loved ones lives as well. Loving a drug addict and dealing with their issues and them in general is not a part time thing or a sometime thing it consumes every moment of you . Every second your wondering where they are, who are they with, and what are they doing all these things are running through your mind like an olympic athlete continually keeping you exhausted and unable to breathe life into your own body. The constant dealings of having a drug addict in your life over laps into every other area of your life as well. Work, school ,relationship with friends, your other children and most of all your significant other. Unfortunately all the stress and anguish becomes anger and bottled up frustration and confusion that is not taken out on the person it should be The Addict no its in all the the areas and people in our lives that it overlaps into that we vent out at. The addict doesn’t see the destruction of the lives he/she are destroying outside themselves they are like a skipping child with no cares at all living in their own little world feeding their downward spiral. However when their addiction is not being fed it is all your fault and you are the one being attack from them causing even more issues in all overlapping areas of your life.
While the world was falling apart for me as I watched my son become engulfed within his addiction . I often did nothing but die a little each day myself his addiction was killing me just as slowly as it was killing him but just in a different way . I turned inward pushing the overlapping areas of my life away not wanting to talk or be around others . However my overlapping areas wouldn’t let me do that even if it was a short text a message ,a message on my voicemail or persistant person refusing to be casted away everyday someone reached out not even knowing why I was so sad and the situation that was going on. My overlapping areas where my support and my only strength some days.
Whereas I was not grateful at that time I so am now looking back on it. If you are in a situation were you have a drug addict in your life especially if it your child allow the overlapping areas of your life be a support system to you .They don’t need to know the details of things taking place just let them be your strength when you can not be your own.
Have you ever wished you could erase all the bad memories that are accumulated with the pain that comes with drug addiction .I do ! I know the memory board on Facebook is meant to remind us of good times and to smilebut that is not always the case some days that pop up from 2 years ago bring me to time where the world was falling apart and nothing I did or how hard I prayed could stop it. Every moment it hurt to have a heartbeat. Has anyone else who has dealt with someone they loved who had drug addiction felt that way ?
The memories are easier now because my son is 18 months clean. Everyday somewhere in my mind I wonder though will he use again because I still relive those days in my mind to make sure old patterns are not slipping back into today’s excistance. You may ask don’t you trust him since its been over a year and going into 2 years and the answe for now is no wrong or right. It is more of being scared ro actually relax and take a breathe than it is of trusting its protective blanket for myself and away of him being accountable and stay on track.
My name is Sue and this blog is for anyone who has ever had a loved one or even a friend who has a drug addiction or is in recovery for any amount of time. Drug addiction is one of the largest cause of death in the United States it is not racist and does not discriminate in any way shape or form . I have a 21 year old son who is 18 months in recovery but prior to that happening I lived in a continual nightmare that I thought I would never wake up from. I constantly felt like I was holding my breath and waiting to to be able to breathe again. I felt all alone with no one to talk to about the problem because how can you tell people your child is a drug addict and all the horrible things he does due to it without them looking at you like you have grown another head in front of them or they have such an expression sympathy for you you want to crawl in a whole because you are so ashamed . I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did that is why I have started this blog.
This is blog is to encourage people and let people express how they feel. Please no negative responses toward others . The drug addict is not the only one affected by the drug addiction everyone they come into contact with at any point during there addiction is affected in one way or another . The one thing I needed to learn was to seperate myself and it was not something I truly was ever able to do during the whole time it took place. I had to learn to forgive myself as well as him for all the things that ocurred during that time period. As with the addict it is a day by day recovery one were you feel like you are holding your breath