Just like an addict the parent and other loved ones of an addict can only live in today. I know that is true for all people but definitly those of an addict . As the parent if you look back to the yesterday you will beat yourself up with so many things and if you look to tomorrow you will holds the regrets of yesterday in your mind be/c of what could of been and did not happen. I have learned many things from being a parent of an addict . I have learned its ok to be angry and to hate the drug addict and all the things that happened through their addiction. I have learned that people are going to judge the situation of addiction no matter what choice you as a parent does to help or not help the drug addict child . I have learned most of all one can not undo regret .
Today is the day we must focus on most of all because today is the only day they i can take min by min second by second and try not to live from yesterday and make promises for tomorrow I may not be able to fufill because today did not go as planned. I am continual holding my breath waiting to breathe but that is just for today may tomorrow I will exhale completly
Why is my child a drug addict, why do they not care what they are doing to themselves,to me, their siblings, those that love them boyfriend girlfriend ect. WHY WHY WHY its a question that vibrates through your mind and out your mouth like a spoil child throwing a tempertantrum. It is a question that can never be answered b/c there is not a justifable answer that will make it ok for the things the drug addiction made you do and there really is no answer to why one begins to use . There are a lot of excuses and blame but no answers .
Why is the addiction so much more to you than your mom why did you let it destroy you answer meeee!! I have said those words throughout my sons addiction to him to the wall and to the few who knew the situation but there was no answer which makes it so much harder to dwell on the question.
I know the answer a little better now that he is in recovery and has almost 2 years of being clean but the answers still don’t stop the pain the question caused. I have always said if you don’t want the answer don’t ask the question but this is one of many questions that haunt me. Even with him being in recovery 2 years I still have the question why because recovery is only a daily stepping stone there is still so many days tat are rough and bad and you still think some of things that you did when they used . Watching a recovering addict struggle and overcome obstacles I still have the question WHY WHY WHY did this happen and my only answer is one night while out with his friends he chose to use a moments decision that changed his and everyone in his life forever . WHY WHY WHY
When one has a person addicted to drugs in there life everyday is just another day that one has to deal with the addict and all the daily issues that come with having an addict in your life. See families and loved ones are very cautious about having people over or celebrating special days or events because they never know how the addicts day will be or how they will act. My experience was my son would be at his worse during special occasions which made for even more hurt feelings,tears and dread. I got to a point were I would rather sleep through a holiday or event than deal with the nightmare that would occur.
Even when the person with the drug addiction isn’t there they still dominant the day because your thoughts are wondering what they are doing ,who are they with and why can’t they just be normal . Everyday is the same day when there is an addict in your life with the exception some are far worse than others because the drug addict steals all the limelight from others and makes everything and everyday about them The sad thing though is they don’t realize it and they do realize it but just don’t realize the memories f nightmares they are making. The life of a drug addict is the same thing everyday just another day because addiction doesn’t allow for special things because that would take away from the addiction and until the addiction ends it is a continual circle that occurs
There is so much loss in the life of a drug addict and their families and I know I have referenced to it many times in my blog post and will probably continue because loss is the one of the consistent things that do occur in the world of drug addiction but the out of all the things lost and never regained the most senseless and tragic is the loss of life because of the disease of addiction.
No parent should ever have to bury a child but sometimes it is unstoppable ,diseases occur , car accident happens , even horrifically one could be murdered or commit suicide. All of those loses are heartbreaking but the loss of a life to an overdose is so senseless and so preventable on so many levels , Addictions kills when one chooses not to stop but once the addiction takes the life of the addict for them it is over but for their loved ones their mom and dads the loss is forever and it is a loss that can destroy them just as much as the drugs destroyed the addict and it is SO SENSELESS SO VERY SENSELESS.
Every time I hear about another life taking b/c of this disease it breaks my heart and I wonder will my son decide one more time will be ok. See another young person in our community lost their life this weekend to the battle of addiction someone my son knew someone he used and hung with a beautiful life taken way before they had a chance to live. Words do not help in this situation no matter how comforting they are and how heartfelt they mean to be. I wonder what does one addict truly think when another addict dies from the same thing they do no matter how in invinceable they think they are somewhere in the back of their mind their invincibility must waver some.
The after shock of an earthquake can be almost as devesting and destructive as the actual earthquake itself when an earthquake occurs. Just as the aftermath of a person drug addiction into recovering can be not only for the addict but the loved ones as well. The addict can experience a different range of things that may happen to them they may go through the withdrawals , anger toward oneself as well as those around them and for awhile an emotional roller coaster of feelings and fears as does the loved ones. The addict may never recover and bounce back and forth between short periods of not using but eventually always returning to the demon they are unable to give up control to .Then the ultimate thing the addict may do is lose the battle completely and die. All of these scenerios have an aftershock for the friends and family of the addict but especially the parent of an addict.
My son used for about 4 strait years mainly marijuanna in the beginning but the last year of his addiction he was strung out on some very hard drugs , meth,coke ,pills, heroine you name a drug and he would try it . No parent ever thinks the day their child is put in their arms he will grow up to be a drug addict actually the worse two lies a parent tells them self is my child would never use drugs and I would know if they were using . I told my self those lies so many times b/c I didn’t want to face what was in front of me a 19 year old drug addict I was afraid to be alone with or to leave in my house by himself . I thought it couldn’t get any worse but I was wrong very wrong he overdosed and than the aftershock of the nightmare began .
He was placed in psych unit b/c he saw dead people ,he heard voices that told him to kill and harm his family he had no idea who he was where he was or who I was his body survived the overdose for the most part but his mind was lost in darkness after shock was a point 8 on the rictor scale at this point. Everyone told me at least he was a live no he wasn’t alive yes he had a heart beat yes he walked ,and ate but other than that my son was gone he was as dead as if the overdose had took his life BUT I could not bury him I had to grieve a living person which is a nightmare within itself more aftershock . No one understood but as with every night comes daylight and with every earthquake and aftershock comes regrowth and new development. The son I watched grow from a little boy into a man with addiction is dead forever and I miss him sometimes very much b/c my new son is different person in lot ways not all good but not all bad he just different he in not my —- . The aftershock is still there almost two years later we rebuild a little each day sometimes we have to bulldoze and start from scratch but we recover
What if two very little words with so much meaning and impact. What if he never had become a drug addict what would his life be like now instead of the way it is. What if he used and it scared him so he never used again or hung out with people that did would he be an advocate against drug use would he have disconnected from those people and found real friends to enjoy his teen age years with instead of not really having any friends at all. What if I as the parent had seen the signs sooner would I have chosen a different way of doing things than the way I did. What if I had used tough love that I was told needed to be done would my nightmare have ended sooner .
Those two little words are very haunting they scream at you in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep .When your having a bad day because the child you love is struggling in recovery with their addiction the WHAT IF is there always starring at you . The what ifs paint a very pretty picture of the way things could of been that it make you hate your situation even more so than you already do . Sometimes there is no escape from your own thoughts because your what if places blame not on the drug addict or the dealers but on you the loved one the parent
What do you do when the what ifs haunt you? Somedays I give in and imagine the coulda woulda shoulda if I had done them and what may have been a totally different life for all of my family but ecspecially for me and my oldest son.Then on other days I think of the journey and possiblities that are going to take place and that are happening. Through this nightmare lives can be touched and changed through our story of tragedy and destruction of a new creation and unconditional love being nutured and cared for . The what if for now is a story of what could of been because of the drug addiction BUT one day the what if will become a because of and the story will be phenominal
Drug addiction takes so much & so many different things not only from the addict but from the loved ones of addicts as well. Material things are taken by the addict from loved ones to pay for their addiction and at times addicts will steal from others as well causing more things to be taken. Time is a huge thing taken b/c days,weeks,months and years are stolen from all those affected by the drug addiction the addicted is consumed with.
During the time that things are being taking those affected by it really don’t always notice their losses how can they when they are slowly being taken from them sometimes daily and sometimes momentarily but always being taken. The major things taken that can never be replaced are memories and moments of memories. I had the memories of my son going to social, prom and graduating high school , having a girlfriend or just hanging out with his friends doing normal things those things were replaced with getting in trouble going to jail, quitting school and just not caring what his actions took from others.
One thing that is never taken when dealing with someone who you love is a drug addict is tears there is always an abundance of tears and heart ache . Those will never be taken during the addiction b/c that is all the drug addict has to give during that time of their life.
There is some hope especially when the person begins and stays in recovery the drug addiction is taken and the drug addict no longer exist as long as they stay on the road to recovery. My son is 21 months clean but the child I gave birth to was taken with the drug addiction and aftermath that comes with addiction I now have a new person who is my son who I am coming to know b/c love and trust are also taken during the period of time when all the addict has to give is to take everything from everyone else.
How many loved ones of addicts had things that were never taken from them and how do you try to to move on and forward so that you can receive from the one who hurt you so much ?
The one thing that is almost a fact when it comes to living with a drug addict is being told lies .See drug addicts have to cover up the truth so much they no longer know what is a lie and what is reality because they come to gradually believe everything they say is the truth when truly there is no truth left in them at all.
The saddest part though is those around the addict are drawn into the lies in start to lie to others around them as well. Those lies are different but still lies all the same .They lie to themselves that this time their child really is clean , no they miscounted the money in their wallet they really aren’t missing anything and yes they forgot they gave away or sold such and such it wasn’t stolen from the house .They lie to others and say everything is well and things are so much better this time because they do not want to face once again their child has begun to use again or never stopped using just pulled the wool over your eyes once more.
Each lie you are told and believe is an invisible brick built that is destroying the trust that slowly disappeared weeks ,months and maybe even years ago. The trust is the hardest thing to gain back once recovery begins because by than a fortress has been built and the energy to truly believe the addict is telling the truth is in recovery itself. Do you ever look at your addict whether still in addiction or in recovery and just wonder do they understand the lies they believe are truth are actually lies ?
Hate is a word that is used so commonly in everyday sentences in every day conversation it is a word used very loosely but has a very strong meaning.The definition of hate is to have an intense or passionate dislike for something or someone.I am going to be perfectly honestly there was a period of time I truly truly hated my son during his drug addiction. I have been told I didn’t hate him I hated the things he did yes that was partially true I did hate the things he did but I hated him and everything about him and the person he became..
See my child was no longer there he was taken by the addiction and the person who had invaded his body was evil self absorbed cared about no one or anything but themselves and I hated him with same amount of intensity that I once loved him with. You may say or ask Oh my God how can you hate your own child honestly it became quite easy because you see my son was dead and all was left was someone who resembled the child I once had in looks. The saddest thing about my hate was it tore me up inside because I was not suppose to feel that way I was his mom I gave him life but addiction stole so much and took away so many things from him and my family and it didn’t bother him because the addiction and the addict doesn’t care about lost dreams or ruined holidays or gatherings.
I began to realize especially when things went from bad to worse hate is just like addiction it consumes you and takes over to were it controls you. See I as most family members need recovery as much as the addict and sometimes more because they suffer from the actions and reactions of the addiction and not only have to rebuild their lives that were ultimately almost destoyed as much as the addicts themselves but they need to be a support system as well while the addict recovers and becomes a new them. I wish I can say I woke up one day and all my hate was gone but it wasn’t it has taken almost two years of recovery for him and rebuilding of love and forgiveness to say I have slowly began to love the person he has become to be.
May I ask honest question for those who have a n addict in their life have you ever felt like I did and hate them or am I alone in the way I felt ..