Chapters

We  all  have  a  DOB  & a  DOD but  it  is  in between  those  that the  chapters  of  our  lives  develop and  evolve  for  some  it  is pretty  smooth  travels  with  no  real in depth  drama  or  issues  and  than others  have  pages and  pages  of  turmoil  which  at  times  are  at  no  fault of their own  and  others  it  all  about  the  choices  the make  and  the  conflict  that occurs  because  of it . A  drug  addicts  chapters  are  often a roller  coaster  of  readings  with very  low  points ,high  points  but  most  of  all  very  scary  nightmarish  pages.

The  addicts  chapters  are  sometimes very  repetitive  because  they  continue the  same  cycle of  their  addiction many many  times  over  and  over  again  sometime  with  each  episode  being  worse  than the  time before  leaving  themselves  hanging between  life  and  death.  As  the  parent  you  wan  to  rip  out  the  pages  of  destruction  and  make  them  read  them again and  again  till it  sinks  in the  results  of what they  are  doing  to themselves  and  to  all those that  love  them  .

The  addicts story  is  categorized in  many  different  ways  a  mystery  as  to why  they  do  is , a  horror  story  from the  nightmare they live  and  the  lives  that  are  effected  from  the  horror  and a  devasting  love  story  from the lives  that  are  lost  not  only  in the  physical  sense  of death  but in the  lose of a  loved one  still  a live  but  is  mourned  for  as  though  they  were  dead  because  who they  once  were has  been  murdered by the  addiction.

Addiction  story  ends  in one  of  two  ways  they  find  peace  and  defeat their demons  and  begin a sequel  to their  life  drug  free  or the  demons  defeat them  and  they no longer  have  to  fight  their  demons  and find  peace  because  they no longer  have  to  fight but  that  is  the final  page  of the story  than  with  so many  tears  shed  by those  who  were  there  as  they  wrote the  chapters  and  ended  the  story  with  pain  and  sorrow

 

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How are you doing , how are they doing?

A  question that  is  asked  quite  a  bit  when  people  know  you  have  an  addict  in  your  home  especially if  the  addict  is  your  child  is  how  are  you  how is so  and  so  and  95 %  of the  time  you  put  on  your  ready made  smile  your  well  thought  out  reaction  and  reply  its o.k. or  even  things  are  looking  better  when    in  actuality  things  are  usually  the  farthest from  the  truth of being  o.k.  or  being  better.

You would  love  to  scream  things  suck  they  are  horrible  I  haven’t  slept  in  days  or  just  a  few  few  hours  each  night  b/c  of  fear of where  are they  what  are  they  doing  and  God  forbid the  phone  rings  in the  middle of  the  night it  puts  you  close  to  hysteria. How  is  so  and  so  in their  mind they are  peachy  keen  b/c they are  so  wrapped  into  their  self  absorption of  addiction they  don’t  see  any  problems.  Nope  no  problem they  just  stole the  grocery  money, everything is  good  b/c they  just lashed  out their  anger  out  you b/c  they  could’t  get their  fix  by  throwing  a  plate  of  food in  your  face  because  you asked  them  a  simple  question and they  want  you  shut t he  hell  up.They  are  great  after they  have  held  in  a  corner  for  30 minutes  crying and  screaming  you  ruined  their life . Yep  it is  all  your  fault  they a re  a  drug  addict   you  don’t  blame  yourself  enough  they  have  to  reinivate  what  you  already  feel  when in  actuallity  they  are  at  fault .

How  do  I  feel ?  Like the  nightmare may never  end  that  even  when in  my  son is  in  recovery  he  is  not  recovered  he  still left  with  the  aftermath  of the  addiction. How  does he  feel  for the  most part  good.  One  day  at  a  time  one  moment  at  a  time  and  always  holding  my  breath  waiting  to breathe

To  the world  on the  outside  looking  in  How  are  doing  I am  good  and   one  day  I  truly  hope  I am

 

Siblings

Parents  have  to  be  well  rounded  when having  more than  one  child  .  THey ned  to  attend  to  each one needs and  be  apart  of  their  day  ins  and  outs  of  life  that  happen  never  giving  one  more of their  time  than  the  other  or  put  the  needs  and  attention  just  toward  one  of their  children BUT  this  is not  possible  and  does  not  happen  when  you  have  a child  who is  a drug addict.

Siblings so  often  take  a  back  seat to the  child  with  addiction  b/c the parent  total  focus  is on the  addict  24/7.  Parents  miss  other  children  activities  or  even  if they  are there in  body their  mind  is  standing , sitting (mentally),worrying  about , or  angry  with  the  child  that  has  the drug  addiction. It  is  so  unfair  and  not  right  . The  siblings  learn  that  the  addicts  life  engulfs their  parents  every moment  and  a  distance ,jealousy  and  hate  sometimes  begins  to  develop, fester  and  grow . The  sibling  is  forced  to  grow  up  very  quickly  b/c  of  the   bad   choices  of  their  addicted  brother/sister

The  sibling  often  becomes the  parents  outlet  good  and  bad  they lean on them and  take  out  all  their  frustrations  and  anger  out  on  them/  This  adds more  issues  to an  already  turmoil  situation. Siblings  really  get  the  short  end  of the  stick  but  it  can  be  a  blessing  within  the  curse  it  can  show them  the  exactly  what  addiction  and  drug  abuse  does  to  the  addict  and  the  family.

Parents  of  the  other  child  often  need  to  choose  the  addict  or  the  no addict  it  is  a  choice  no  parent  ever  wants  to  make  but  what  do  you  do  when the  situation  and  the  addict  repeaditly  continues  on their  path  of  destruction .  You  choose  to  be  a  parent  from  a distance  either  physically  or mentally. All b/c  of  bad  choices of  onr  family  member   lives  are forever  changed

Life has to go on !

When a  parent  has  a  child  with  a  drug  addiction life  stops  because it  basically it  has  to . The  reason  the  addiction  of  your child  engulfs not  only  the addict but  you  as  the  parent  as  well. It is  your  every  moment  of  thought ,action, life in  general you  forget  about  everything  and  everyone  else  because  you  wan to  stop  and  save  your  child  from the  nightmare  they  chose  to  live.BUT you  can not  instead  you begin to live  your  own  nightmare  were  you begin  to  lose your  mind  .

A parent  of  an  addict  has  to  step back  at  some  point ,at  least I  did, and decide  is  this  how  they  want  to  live  forever constantly  in mass  confusion,terror  and  anger. I had  to  let my child  live  with his own  choices  and  deal  with the  consequesences because  of them and  those  consequences  were  life  altering  to him  and us .

I learned  though  to  be able  to  function  I  had to move  forward  and  allow  my  life and  the other  people in my  families  life  to go on and  not  stand  still  b/c  of  my  child’s addiction.  That  was  not  easy  and  some  days  it  was  impossible  but  to  be there  for  my  son  I  had  to be able  to   function  and  not be trapped  in  the  vicious  circle  of  self  blame and  enabling  of  his  addiction .  Some  called it  tough  love  I  called it  survival for  myself  and  the rest of my  family.

Each  person  decides  how  they  will  handle  situations  but in  every  situation  Life  must go  on

Other People’s Opnion

Everyone  has  an  opnion  on  addiction what they  would  do  what they  would  not do . The  you should  do this  and  why  do  you  put up  with  that  and I would never  allow  that  to  take  place in my  home  from my  child , throw  them out , put them  in  rehab,  give them  tough  love ,  no love ,extra  love  it goes on and  on the  list of  things  you  should  as  a parent of  an  addict do .Almost  everyone  is  a Monday  morning  quarterback  who  have  hind sight  twenty  twenty of  a  situation  they  are no  part of . People  wonder  why  parents of  addicts do  not  share  their  situations  or  talk  about the  nightmare  they  live  daily  because  so  few  will listen  who have  not  been there  without  critisizing  any  decision  one  chooses  to  do  to help  the  their  addict  child, It is  a very lonely  place  that  is  not  helped by those who  talk  about you and  what  you have  prayed about  cried  about  and  chosen  to do  praying  to  God  it was  the  right  decision this  time.

This  all  changes  those  when  people are  on the  same  side  of  the  fence when they  have an  addict  for a child  they  become just  as  defensive and  guarded and  suddenly unjudgemental  of the  nightmare  so  many  people deal with  daily that  they  once  were so harshed to  judge. No  addict  or  loved  one  of  an  addict  journey  is  the  same. The  common  denominator  is  the  drugs  that  rule  the  situation. Opinions  are  not  needed  plans  and  solutions  are  needed  to  change and  stop  addiction. Well meaning  suggestion  can  be  just  another  kick in the  stomach  knocking  the  wind  out  of  the  loved one of  an  addict   again .  Think  before  we speak  because  truly  unless  you have been there  you have  No Idea  and  even  if you have  no  2 situations  are the  same . Sometimes  are  ears  were made  to  just  listen not  to  a be device  to  activate our  mouths  with opinions  and  advice  we  are  not  qualified  to  give .  Society needs  to  do  something about  our  ,out  of  control  drug  situation  but  instead of judging  it  we  need  to come  together  as  one  and  fix  it.

May  no parent  go through the  nightmare of  having an  addict because  it  will  forever  change your  world

 

 

Struggle

The  addict can  recover  completley from  their  addiction  and  some  do  but  it  is  only through  wanting  to  for themselves  and  were  as they need  a  support  system  and  must have  one  to help  fight  the  battle the  battle  is  mostly  fought  alone  and  in the  scariest  of  places  their  own  mind.  Only the  addict  knows what  their  weaknesses  are and  their trigger  points  to use  and  only  they  can  back  away  from them  RUN  FROM the  to  stay  in  recovery . Unfortunatly  recovery  is  a  very lonely  place  for the  addict  they  can not  hang  with the  “friends” ( other  addicts)  they  had and  in the  beginning  of  recovery  they  don’t  have  friends  who  don’t  use  or they  do not  know  how to  relate  with them.

An addict  can  feel  so lost  and  loved ones  feel  just  as  lost b/c they  don’t know  what  to  do   you  can  say  all the  right  words  like  a manuscript  from  a movie but  words  can only  be  but  so  helpful  you  can  support  them and  encourage them but  in the  end  the  decision  and  battle  is theirs  alone  to  stay  clean and in recovery .  ParentS want  their child to have  a  normal  life  friends , being  a part of family  gathering  doing  every  day things BUT  it  is  all to the  addict to  want  that normalcy  and  achieve  it . It  is  a  struggle  to watch  your  child struggle  to  rebuild  and  rediscover their  self  and  their  lives it  is  holding your breath waiting  to breathe  experience .

Today

Just  like  an  addict  the  parent  and  other loved  ones  of  an  addict  can only live  in today. I  know that  is  true  for  all  people  but  definitly  those  of  an  addict .  As the  parent  if you  look  back  to the  yesterday  you  will beat yourself  up  with  so many  things  and  if  you  look  to  tomorrow  you will  holds  the  regrets of  yesterday  in  your  mind be/c of  what  could of  been  and  did not  happen. I  have  learned  many  things  from  being   a parent  of  an  addict .  I have  learned  its  ok  to  be angry  and  to hate the  drug  addict  and  all the  things that  happened  through their  addiction. I have  learned  that  people  are  going  to  judge the  situation  of  addiction no matter what  choice  you  as  a  parent  does  to help or  not  help  the  drug  addict  child . I have  learned  most of  all one  can  not  undo  regret .

Today  is the  day  we  must  focus  on most of  all  because  today  is  the  only  day  they  i  can take min  by  min  second by  second  and  try not  to  live  from  yesterday and  make  promises  for  tomorrow  I may not  be able  to  fufill  because  today  did not  go  as  planned.  I am  continual  holding  my  breath waiting  to breathe  but that  is  just for  today  may  tomorrow  I  will exhale  completly

Why

Why  is  my  child  a  drug  addict, why  do they  not  care  what they  are  doing  to themselves,to me, their  siblings, those that  love  them  boyfriend  girlfriend ect. WHY WHY WHY  its  a  question that  vibrates  through  your mind  and  out  your mouth  like  a  spoil  child  throwing  a  tempertantrum. It  is  a  question that  can  never be  answered b/c there is not  a justifable answer  that  will  make  it  ok  for the  things  the  drug  addiction  made  you  do  and  there  really is no  answer  to  why  one  begins to  use  . There  are a lot  of  excuses  and  blame  but no  answers .

Why is the  addiction  so much more to  you  than  your mom  why did  you  let it  destroy  you answer meeee!!  I  have  said  those  words  throughout my  sons  addiction to him  to the  wall  and  to the  few  who knew the  situation but there  was  no  answer  which makes  it  so much  harder to  dwell  on the  question.

I know the  answer  a little  better now  that he  is  in  recovery and  has  almost  2 years  of being  clean but the  answers   still  don’t  stop the  pain the  question  caused. I  have  always  said  if you  don’t  want  the  answer  don’t  ask the  question  but  this is  one  of many  questions  that  haunt me. Even  with  him  being  in recovery 2 years  I  still  have  the  question why  because   recovery is  only  a  daily  stepping stone  there is  still  so many  days  tat  are  rough and  bad  and  you  still think  some of things  that  you  did  when they  used . Watching  a recovering  addict  struggle and  overcome obstacles  I  still have  the  question WHY WHY WHY did this  happen and  my  only  answer is  one  night  while  out  with  his  friends he  chose  to use  a  moments  decision that  changed  his  and  everyone in his  life forever . WHY  WHY WHY

Just another day

When one has a person addicted to drugs in there life everyday is just another day that one has to deal with the addict and all the daily issues that come with having an addict in your life. See families and loved ones are very cautious about having people over or celebrating special days or events because they never know how the addicts day will be or how they will act. My experience was my son would be at his worse during special occasions  which made for even more hurt feelings,tears and dread. I got to a point were I would rather sleep through a holiday or event than deal with the nightmare that would occur.

Even when the person with the drug addiction isn’t there they still dominant the day because your thoughts are wondering what they are doing ,who are they with and why can’t they just be normal . Everyday is the same day when there is an addict in your life with the exception some are far worse than others because the drug  addict steals all the limelight from others and makes everything and everyday about them The sad thing though is they don’t realize it and they do realize it but just don’t realize the memories f nightmares they are making.  The life of a drug addict is the same thing everyday just another day because addiction doesn’t allow for special things because that would take away from the addiction and until the addiction ends it is a continual circle that occurs

Senseless loss

There is  so much  loss in the  life  of  a  drug  addict  and their  families and  I know  I have  referenced  to it many times in my  blog post  and  will  probably  continue  because  loss  is  the  one  of the  consistent  things that do occur in  the  world  of  drug  addiction but the out  of  all the  things  lost and  never  regained  the most  senseless and  tragic is  the  loss of  life  because  of  the  disease of  addiction.

No  parent  should  ever  have  to  bury  a  child  but   sometimes  it  is  unstoppable ,diseases  occur , car  accident  happens , even  horrifically  one  could be  murdered  or  commit suicide. All of  those  loses  are  heartbreaking  but  the  loss of  a  life  to  an  overdose is  so  senseless  and  so  preventable  on  so many levels , Addictions  kills  when one  chooses  not  to  stop  but  once  the  addiction  takes the  life  of the  addict  for them it  is  over  but  for their  loved  ones  their  mom and  dads  the  loss  is  forever   and  it  is  a  loss  that can  destroy  them  just  as  much  as the  drugs  destroyed the  addict and  it  is  SO SENSELESS  SO VERY  SENSELESS.

Every time  I hear  about  another  life taking  b/c  of  this  disease  it  breaks  my  heart  and  I  wonder  will my  son  decide  one  more time  will be ok. See   another  young  person in  our  community lost their life this  weekend to the battle  of  addiction  someone  my son knew  someone he  used and  hung  with  a  beautiful life  taken  way before they  had  a  chance  to live.  Words do not  help in this  situation no  matter how  comforting they  are  and  how  heartfelt  they mean  to be. I  wonder  what does  one  addict  truly  think  when  another  addict  dies  from  the  same thing they  do  no matter  how  in invinceable they  think  they  are  somewhere in the  back of their mind  their  invincibility must  waver  some.